Woof Woofington

The Ultimate Betrayal

Today was not a good day for the Mistress nor for the hundreds of thousands of Labrador owners across the UK. Well, not a good day for any animal lover, to be honest.

Both The Sun and The Mirror carried a news story, which was so distressing that it's difficult to report here.

In short, Mr Richard Kilcommons got blind drunk in his local pub and went home to stab his beautiful chocolate Labrador to death. Not once, not twice but his loyal pet, Bessie, of seven years was stabbed 16 times with a 7-inch carving knife. Yes, 16 times.

And what explanation did he offer? His failed business, alcohol issues and - conveniently - he blacked out so can't remember any of it happening.

He was sentenced to 23 weeks' imprisonment and banned from owning a dog for 10 years. 10 years? Is that all? Sorry but as any sane person will tell you, he should never be allowed near a dog again.

Apparently, he argued that "there was no more loved dog". Well, quite frankly, with love like that, a dog can go without.

It was a hideous crime; research has proved, without doubt, that when people get stressed, it's their loved ones who get it in the neck. Sometimes literally. Children, pets and partners often bear the brunt for someone else's shortcomings, aided by booze and drugs.

Enough already. We deserve better. I sincerely hope Mr Kilcommons never has another dog because his actions really were the ultimate betrayal.

Woof Woof

Maybe it’s not how you ask but who you ask?

Who says that the sense of community is dead? Well, I can reassure everyone that the Internet has not killed off human (and animal) relationships but positively enhanced them. How can I be so sure? Because the news is full of stories of random acts of kindness, often facilitated through modern technology.

Take a little pug called Buck, who lives in America. Last week Buck was hit by a car and broke three of his legs; unfortunately, his owners could not afford the $3,000 surgery required so they decided the only alternative was to have him put to sleep. (It’s a disturbing tale so far but does have a happy ending so read on…) Buck’s Mistress belonged to a pug-lover’s website and regularly wrote about her dog. The night before Buck’s imminent demise was no exception and after she updated her details, lo and behold someone from Australia – all the way from the other side of the world – stepped in and offered to donate cash towards Buck’s treatment. Buck also touched the hearts of owners in France and Alaska. Buck is now recovering and his owner has no doubts that so-called fellow geeks and Pug lovers saved her dog’s life.

Maybe other dog owners would have been sympathetic but perhaps they would not have been so compelled to support Buck directly. So it’s a Pug thing? Well, sort of. Maybe what it’s really about is whom you ask, not how. If Buck had been living in the UK, there is every chance his owners could have approached one of the animal charities that support owners facing financial hardship. But there would have been no guarantee.

All over the world, thousands if not millions of virtual communities are set up all the time. People are looking for a connection that they don’t have with their own friends and families; a virtual community can give you that something else that is hard to define.

The Mistress has joined a couple of dedicated doggy sites (on my behalf, of course); they’re wonderful because people will wax lyrical about why they love their pets. I can’t imagine a human equivalent but they always make the Mistress smile.

And clearly, when someone (human or canine) is in need, there’s a whole community out there just waiting to help.

Woof Woof

Driving Miss Woofington

The Mistress doesn’t drive; she’s had lessons, she’s passed the theory but she’s failed the Test twice. On one occasion she drove into the wall at the test centre and swore at the examiner. Not pretty!

Anyway, news reaches me from Vienna that there is a driving test, which she COULD pass because...I’d be helping her! Oh yes.

Viennese citizens can now apply for a doggy driving licence – not an opportunity to freewheel round the city with your dog in tow but, more important, a basic test to see how suitable you are as an owner. It even includes a written test, no less. There are two sections; one tests your doggy knowledge and the other has a practical element i.e. you’ve got to show how you take your dog around town – is he or she under control and do you pick up? You know what I’m saying there!

Back in 2004, local residents were quizzed about the scheme and surprise, surprise 8 out of 10 residents said yes to the doggy driving test! This test gets my vote. I know this is one test the Mistress could get through without having a nervous breakdown AND it’s got to be good news for dogs. Why? Because a minority of owners and their out-of-control dogs ruin it for the rest of us and give us a bad name. Sorry to rant but it’s true. And just think what great TV it would make; forget Driving School (for humans) - it’s doggy TV heaven!

Austria isn’t known for it’s forward-thinking liberalism but I think this is one idea we can take from Vienna; yes, some may say it’s draconian but if you want your dog to be in allowed in the city, it’s a small price to pay. Personally, I’d like to see parents take the same test with their children...but we’re still a long way from that happening.

Woof Woof

Dogs + Chocolate Equals Mayhem

It's a well known fact that dogs plus chocolate do not equal a happy combination. In fact, dogs plus human chocolate is a definite no no. Do NOT give your dog chocolate. Of course, the same could be said for children (I hear sugar highs are the bane of mothers' lives) but that's not my domain...

Even though they seem like a throwback to a bygone era, there's a good reason Good Boy doggy chocs were invented...we can't eat the stuff that you lot consume by the lorry load each year, particularly at Easter and Christmas.

And if you don't believe me, ask a vet. Or an insurance company. According to Halifax Pet Insurance, claims are going through the roof because owners are feeding their pet pooches chocolate and/or beer amongst other things. Not, I hope, at the same time. They're all very bad news for your best friend. It's no way to treat us, is it? And we all end up paying, one way or another.

I, of course, have eaten human chocolate, much to the Mistress' dismay. Each time she has called the emergency vet, fearing the very worst. Once, I even managed to eat a whole box of Celebrations, wrappers and all, without flinching! They were locked up in her other half's workbag but I managed to sniff them out. To this day, they cannot work out how I achieved such cunning and dexterity but I keep my Houdini-like handiwork to myself.

So guys, this Easter, stuff your face if you want to but keep the hounds away from the dark stuff. It's lethal - potentially fatal.

You have been warned!

Woof Woof

Would you tuck into your pet's dinner?

If the thought of chomping your pet's food revolts you, think again because, according to today's Sun newspaper, pet food may be better for you than most fast food. Now there's a surprise!

So it's no more pizza, chicken in a bucket, burgers or kebabs for you after a night out! Instead, you should be going down the pet aisle of your local supermarket and seeing what grabs your fancy - Chum, Chappie or Whiskas to name but a few. Apparently this is because pet food is more tightly regulated than human food and contains less of the bad guys - salt, fat and sugar!

Personally, I can't see the Mistress tucking into what she serves me - those dreadful brown pellets. They cost an arm and a leg and she can only get this food from the vet. Of course, I HAVE lost weight without having to resort to training for a marathon so maybe, just maybe, she'll be sneaking in a handful or two of my food....

And those cheeky chaps at Wapping (The Sun's HQ) are looking for people who have dined on dog food. If you have, call The Sun on 020 7782 4266. They promise to call you straight back.

Woof Woof

PS if you like the science bits, here they are:

Gourmet Gold cat food has just 2.9g of fat per 100g — EIGHT TIMES less than the percentage found in pieces of KFC.

Cesar dog food uses just 4.4g of fat in every 100g — and has lower salt and sugar levels than many dishes served to humans.

RIP Robodog

News reaches me from those technically-minded folk at The Register and Tech Digest that Sony’s robodog, Aibo, is going to the big kennel in the sky. As the global corporation tries to get back into the black, it is putting its plastic pooch on the back benches. There will be no more R&D (research and development) into Sony’s answer to Toto (Dorothy’s dog in The Wizard of Oz) but you can still buy a robodog – a snip at £1500 – until the end of the month.

Apparently, the essence of Aibo will live on as his technology will be used in other products.

So it’s au revoir rather than goodbye to the robodog. The Mistress's other half is devastated; for him, Aibo was the perfect pet requiring minimal effort and it was another Sony toy for his gadget collection. Of course, however expensive and technically magical he was, Aibo would always have been a poor second best. Sometimes only the real thing will do.

Woof Woof

Labrador to rule the UK

If only it were true! According to UK Pets (www.ukpets.co.uk), dog owners were asked to choose which breed they believed would make the best Prime Minister. And guess what? Super Labs came out on top! It’s a no brainer, really, isn't it?

In descending order, the choices were:

1. Labrador
2. German Shepherd
3. Border Collie
4. Golden Retriever
5. Cross Breed
6. Great Dane
7. Bulldog
8. Rottweiler
9. Boxer
10. Staffordshire Bull Terrier

But being leader of the Opposition requires a different mindset (breed) altogether. Apparently, a Doberman would be the most effective.

Forget those judges at Crufts, what do they know? (A Labrador hasn’t won for yonks – apart from Yogi, of course, who’s a different type of winner altogether – but real dog owners know the truth. A Labrador will always be a winner –in the truest sense!

Woof Woof

Fat Chance of Survival

It’s been a depressing week for the NHS. News of its financial crisis (or crises, since there are so many) keeps hitting the headlines – redundancies, cancelled operations, overwhelming debt…I don’t need to tell you how long the list is, do I? The Government’s response is mixed or should that read hair-brained?

Last week it was announced that tubby teenagers or greedy minors will be given surgery to curb their eating habits ie they’ve got so chunky, so let’s stop them in their tracks. Now. Talk about closing the door after the horse has bolted and any other animal cliché you want to name…. Surgery is risky, expensive and not exactly failsafe. You only need to see Anne Diamond’s failure to lose the pounds (which she openly acknowledges) to know that surgery is NOT the answer.

One thing’s for sure – kids are definitely eating their way to an early grave. The Mistress had a meeting in Hammersmith last week and took me along. When we came home on the Tube, several teenagers – on their way home from school – were tucking into huge portions of chips. The Mistress and I stared at them; we both LOVE chips! I stared more, this is the Tube after all and you can’t have too much human eye contact – and drooled! The girls threw me a chip. Down in one. It didn’t even touch the sides. I continued drooling…

The Mistress told the girls that much as I looked like I wanted more, I couldn’t have any. The girls said fine and carried on eating. More kids got on at different stations, polystyrene packs in hand and more chips were consumed. You had to see it to believe it.

So whose fault is it that there’s an obesity crisis (for humans and pets!) and who should pick up the tab? One man trying to solve this conundrum is Steve Vaught. Like me, like the Mistress, he loves food. Any food. But he particularly loved bad food and too much food. He is now walking across the USA to a) lose weight and b) show the real choices available to most people. Check out his website, www.thefatmanwalking.com.

My only gripe is that he didn’t take a canine companion but I guess that would have complicated matters.

A couple of nights ago on Radio 5 he spoke – en route to New York – about how people eat to escape from themselves. Food is a great distraction and avoidance from experiencing painful feelings. And when do people feel most ill at ease? When they’re growing up! That’s when it all starts….

So, NHS managers, why not keep the surgeons gainfully employed with the necessary operations and help young people get happy and comfortable in their own skin? Perhaps it will stop disenchanted youths from being cruel to animals, too?! In the meantime, I am just terrified that gastric bands will be the next solution to portly pets…

Woof Woof

Pickles – World Cup Hero – Brought Down by a Cat

Wouldn’t you know it? Supersleuth canine hero, Pickles, found the missing World Cup 40 years ago – only to be brought down by a cat. Yes, sad but true.

The Times brings us a reminder of the sorry saga from an era when England had real football heroes. The World Cup had been on display in Westminster and got pinched. A week later, Pickles found the cup – in danger of being melted down – in a South London garden. But while the Cup survived, poor Pickles did not. Six months later, while chasing a cat, he got strangled by his lead. Tragic.

I guess it’s the same for politicians – brought down by sex scandals, loan scandals (surely, not?!), missing expenses (!) and all sorts of other improprieties – you’ve got to know your Achilles heel. Forget the advice, ‘keep your friends close and your enemies even closer’; I say know your own weaknesses and avoid temptation. At all costs!

Thankfully, the Mistress keeps me on a tight leash when I see those pesky pussies on the street…perhaps politicians need the same?!

Woof Woof

"Very British, don't you think?"

Well, that's what one commentator said about giving animals a special award in recognition of their work during a war.

If you think animals don't deserve any such honours because it's just another British eccentricity, then take a listen:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/noscript.shtml?/radio/aod/radio4_aod.shtml?radio4/animals_vc and go to visit the beautiful memorial in Park Lane http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/4037873.stm.

I think you'll agree, British or not, that a medal of honour is the least you humans can do for the millions of animals that work alongside troops during warfare.

Woof Woof