Woof Woofington

Fort Woof

Now I have just had the most fantastic idea; I want to rename our home to Fort Woof. Isn’t that a great name? I’m not sure that even the Mistress will let me go that far, never mind her other half.

I must admit I got the name from America; they are SO advanced with certain things in life. Like dogs!

Anyway, Fort Woof has been named the top dog park in America; it’s based in Fort Worth, Texas. And this news comes courtesy of Dog Fancy magazine, which I have yet to get my paws on.

Apparently, the park was cited for the events it held such as the Halloween Barktoberfest.

Cool, or what?! Maybe it’s just what we need in Hyde Park or should that be Woof Park!

Woof Woof

Educating Enzo

Forget all the recent criticism about Chris Evans being back on Radio 2. You really need to tune in to hear about his dog, Enzo. Apparently, Enzo has piled on the pounds, as has Chris, and now there is a two-week challenge to see who can drop the weight.

This week began with doggy dieting tips and, of course, I emailed the show to give Enzo some encouragement. After all, a dog on a regime needs all the help he can get. Personally, I think Enzo has a distinct advantage; unlike the Labrador breed, he (a German Shepherd) is not genetically predisposed to eat everything in sight.

Animal behaviourist, Peter Neville gave Chris some advice for the head-to-head challenge. He explained that dogs had spent years perfecting the “I’m starving” look, which you humans can’t resist. Why give our secrets away, Peter?! He also said that Chris and Enzo must brace themselves for the weeks ahead. Too right. Being on a diet is NO fun, in spite of what people like Rosemary Conley will have you believe. Anyway, super animal expert, Peter, continued to explain that dogs must be made to work for their food, just as humans should be. Hmmmm.

Upon hearing this, the Mistress started to look up dog agility holidays, etc. And she thinks she has found the solution - http://www.cani-cross.co.uk - “Where your dog takes YOU for a run”. I kid you not. Is she mad?! It’s bad enough with all this walking she is doing for the marathon (Playtex Moonwalk).

Enzo and Chris face a steep learning curve but it will be worth in the end.

Woof Woof

You’re Bootiful (apologies to James Blunt)

Now, like any self-respecting dog, I like the odd bit of turkey. So does the Mistress’s other half, as it happens, because it’s a low-fat, lean meat, perfect for those – human and canine – who are watching their weight.

So, be honest now, when you think turkey, you probably think…Bernard Matthews. You probably can hear his Norfolk accent, saying the words “absolutely bootiful”, as it used to in the adverts.

Personally, I’m not sure if Mr Matthews was referring to the turkey or the profits his birds turn in. £35.8 million at the last count (for the year ended 2 January 2006).

And Bernard Matthews (the company) would have you believe that they have turkey production down to a ‘t’.

Well, if you’re making that sort of cash, something usually has to give. And in this case it’s welfare. Apparently, the Matthews empire has been criticised for alleged cruelty before, which the company has refuted. And so it comes to pass that, lo and behold, Bernard Matthews is in the headlines again. For cruelty. In today’s Mirror http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/tm_objectid=16984564%26method=full%26siteid=94762%26headline=exclusive%2d%2dthe%2dbird%2dbatterer%2d-name_page.html, the company denies it but when faced with actual footage – no, the cameras aren’t lying – the turkey empire is struck dumb. And the BBC has run the story too http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/norfolk/4940366.stm. And let’s face it, post-Hutton, they check, double check and triple check their news output. And suddenly the Bernard Matthews PR teams are back-peddling like mad.

Thank goodness they didn’t show the whole footage, available from http://www.hillside.org.uk/ (and definitely not for vegetarians!)

I know none of you would touch a Turkey Twizzler if your life depended on it. And certainly not after Jamie Oliver condemned them on School Dinners (Channel 4). But just in case you get stuck in Sainsbury’s late one night after work, and Bernard Matthews is all that is on offer, stand back and put the packet down. Instead, check out the organic alternatives online:

http://www.woodlandsfarm.co.uk/main_pages/turkeys.htm or there’s a list of organic suppliers at:
http://www.soilassociation.org/

And then you’ll know – with absolute certainty - that what you’re eating really is ‘absolutely bootiful’!

Woof Woof

Happy Birthday Snuppy - World's First - and possibly only - Cloned Dog

Yes, Snuppy (short for Seoul National University puppy) the Afghan Hound celebrated his first year on earth (but probably still in the laboratory) with his favourite meal of ice cream and sausages. Sounds good to me, the meal, that is!

The Afghan was chosen because of its striking looks but wait till you hear how he came into this world...

Apparently, dogs are considered one of the most difficult animals to clone because of their reproductive cycle. So the process is expensive and inefficient, even though it is the same technique that was used to create Dolly the sheep (cloned).

According to Reuters:

"A total of 1,095 reconstructed embryos were transferred into 123 surrogates to create two living puppies. The other cloned dog died after 22 days from pneumonia. Both puppies were created from an adult skin cell taken from a male Afghan hound...

Snuppy was born after a normal pregnancy in a yellow Labrador surrogate mother."

Blimey!

Sadly, Snuppy's human creator, the infamous Hwang Woo-suk, once hailed as the "pride of Korea" has faced a criminal investigation and his reputation is in "tatters". He is also unavailable for comment so who knows what he thinks about his canine creation.

The Mistress keeps talking about cloning me because she loves me so much but her other half can breathe a sigh of relief. It seems that cloning pet dogs is not the cash-cow process scientists may have thought it would be. Now there's a surprise! If the scientists had asked ME, I could have saved them thousands of pounds.

Dogs are unique - each and every one. That's how it is and how it should be. After all, dogliness is very close to godliness!

Woof Woof

Her Maj - 80 Years Young - and still setting the trends

So, it’s celebrations all round today for the UK’s most famous octogenarian. Happy Birthday, Your Majesty!

Anyway, the Queen is, apparently, more with it than most 80-year olds and one thing that I can confirm - from a woof's point of view - she was light years ahead on the whole crossbreed phenomenon.

Forget bullmations, labradoodles, peekapoos and puggles; the Queen has been mixing her dogs for years. Dorgis - a cross between a Corgi and a Dachshund - have been part of the Royal (Dog) Household for much longer than any wish-lists of must-have crossbreeds dreamt up by wealthy Manhattan folk.

Some people have put the Queen's vim and vigour down to a pampered lifestyle and a lack of domestic drudgery. Au contraire, I say; this woman is still working, at 80! Yes, she has long holidays but when most people dream of putting their feet up and relaxing, Her Maj' is still out there.

As it happens, I am not a Royalist BUT a woman who breeds Labradors can't be all bad (hunting, shooting and fishing aside....of course), can she?

I think her longevity is down to one thing - the simple pleasures in life. Apparently, there's nothing that the Queen likes more than having a quiet stroll with her dogs. Is she a real dog lover you ask? Definitely. How do I know? Because a true dog lover always has a few treats in their pockets and I've seen the Queen in action.

Yes, it's all clear to me now; forget anti-ageing creams and Botox, what you really need to stay young is a pack of hounds at your feet, ready to love you unconditionally. Well, as long as you have that biscuit in your pocket...

Woof Woof

Golf: the good news...and the bad

Do you play golf? Our house is a golf-free zone; the Mistress doesn't play nor does she understand any of the rules. And her other half doesn't play but at least he knows what happens in a round of golf. One of his friends plays golf – he seems to fit the bill – you know, nice house in the home counties, he's a successful businessman with a wife at home with the kids.

Of course, if golf is your thing, you will be saddened to know that Tiger Woods is taking a break to be with his father. Now that's what I call a man with his priorities right. And he has a dog, which always goes down well in my book.

As for me and golf, I just know it's somewhere - a golf course, that is - where dogs are not welcome.

And, what's more, aren't golf clubs notorious for their petty rules and crimes against knitwear? But this could be about to change...

News reaches me that a golf club in South Wales has granted honorary life membership to Deuce, a dog with an uncertain heritage (ie crossbreed!), because he is a demon on the golf course. Whenever the players lose their balls - golf balls, obviously - Deuce usually manages to find them. In short, he saves those players a lot of cash.

Yes, Deuce is everyone's favourite member now. BUT can he go in the clubhouse? Apparently not. To my mind that defeats the object; it's like saying, you're welcome to be a member but you can't come in. Surely, after a day's hard work, Deuce deserves to chill out with the boys and be given a treat or two?

So, however hard he has worked, sounds like Deuce is still in the doghouse.

Woof Woof

The Ultimate Chinese Takeaway

Sky News has been running a piece about Chinese organ donors. Apparently, wealthy Westerners are making their way to China for lifesaving surgery such as liver transplants but there's a catch. It seems that the donors are not accident victims but executed criminals. It won't surprise you to learn that the Westerners are paying serious cash for these operations and questions are being asked about the ethics of this so-called shady business.

Why is anyone surprised? China is an emerging economy with millions - yes, literally millions of people - wanting a better life. And that means at any cost. You only have to remember the poor cockle pickers to see what lengths people are driven to in order to make a more prosperous future.

China has a different mindset for everything and yes, sadly, life is cheap - human or otherwise.

And if you don't believe me, watch BBC 1 tonight at 9pm, which is showing The McCartneys v the Fur Trade. Terry Ramsey, TV Editor at the Evening Standard tells it as it is:

"The images likely to stay with viewers are in the footage of the dreadful way animals are treated in China, the source of much of the world's fur. It shows them having their sheds smashed on the ground and, most appalling of all, a domestic dog being skinned alive. Even if you have seen this sort of footage before, it still doesn't fail to shock."

The Mistress's other half has put his foot down; however much he threatens to send ME to Korea, he knows no dog deserves this and has banned the programme being shown chez nous. Personally, I think he just can't face the Mistress's distress and tears that would result from watching it.

As for me, I'm just very thankful I am not a dog in China.

Woof Woof

‘Pile ‘em high! Sell ‘em cheap!’

This used to be Tesco’s slogan before it overtook Sainsbury’s in the supermarket stakes and adopted “Every Little Helps” as its mantra, and made itself a classier place to shop.

Corporate Watch (www.corporatewatch.org), says that it is the cheap food mantra. You know the score, flogging the consumer cheap food – as cheap as possible – which you lot buy, happy in the knowledge you’ve bagged a bargain.

So what’s cheap food got to do with Woof Woofington?

Well, anyone who has been near a newspaper or computer today won’t have missed the story about the dogs and puppies in the shed. In fact, it was front page news here in London. In short, 204 Yorkshire Terriers had been crammed into a garden shed, with no windows, and stacked in pet carriers (crates) - very much in the "pile ‘em high, sell ‘em cheap" kind of way. They had been bred deliberately and – presumably – were ready for sale.

Except these dogs weren’t ready for sale. Far from it. The shed was a modern day Dante’s inferno. The crates were full of excrement, the crates were dripping with all their urine and, without any care, several puppies had died and their bodies had been eaten by the others. The dogs were terrifed, ulcerated, starving and thirsty; in short, many were at “death’s door”.

The owner/breeder of these hapless hounds had died of a stroke, apparently, and her sons were checking on her wares. One neighbour even commented what nice people they were. Yeah, right. The RSPCA received an anonymous tip-off and together with other local rescue organisations, the dogs and 37 cats were removed.

With the owner out of the picture, the RSPCA cannot prosecute. Who’s to say whether it was deliberate cruelty or a hobby that got out of hand? Whichever way you look at it, it’s no way to breed an animal. But guess what? There’s a demand and while there’s a demand, this intensive breeding will continue. Whether they’re sold in a pet shop or from the back of a car in a motorway car park, you can pretty well guarantee that the puppies will have been born in bad, bad, bad conditions.

Yes, in life you get what you pay for but, sadly, in this case it’s the dogs who are really paying the price. Rant over. For now.

Woof Woof

Who is Britain's Favourite TV Pet?

Well, for all you dog lovers out there, it won't come as any surprise that four out of the top five of Britain's favourite TV pets are...dogs! Which is as it should be, to be honest! Cats - supposedly the UK's number one pet of choice - don't get a look in and even then it's a stuffed one who comes in at number six on this list! (Only teasing, even I know the power of Bagpuss....)

Anyway, Lassie romps home to the top spot, beating EastEnders' Wellard and seventies superstar, Shep from the children's programme Blue Peter. In fact, Blue Peter does well because Peter Purves' dog, Petra, comes in at number four and Golden Retriever, Goldie is number 10. Did you know that the first Petra met an unfortunate end and was replaced by an identical dog?

So, the full line up looks like this:

1 Lassie, 2 Wellard, 3 Shep, 4 Petra, 5 Skippy, 6 Bagpuss, 7 Garfield, 8 Bouncer, 9 Scooby Doo, 10 Goldie.

I'm glad Scooby Doo is on the list; what's not to love about Scooby? He definitely would have been the Mistress's number one choice (apart from me, obviously) but then I'm not on TV.

Woof Woof

Bank Holiday Blues

So today is the last day of the official Easter break and are you feeling a little blue? Maybe what you'd really like to do, particularly if you have a dog, is take a walk along the beach and exercise away all those Easter eggs?

Well, sans chien, you can walk to your heart's content. But, with dog(s) in tow, you must find out whether your nearest beach has a dog ban on it, which usually kicks in at Easter - just as the weather is supposed to be brightening up.

This weekend some disgruntled doggy owners walked in protest on a beach in Cornwall to say, hang on a minute, authorities, this isn't fair. We'd like to bring our dogs on this beach from April - October....and they suggest a good compromise - a split beach policy.

The 58 beaches are restricted by local authorities in Cornwall, for example, include Porthtowan beach near Truro and Falmouth's Gyllyngvase beach. The local authorities state that this is for health reasons and to protect their blue flag status. However, there are still plenty of other beaches available but they may not be as nice. I don't know, as I haven't visited them all.

At the end of the day, here we all are, on the island of Great Britain, surrounded by beaches and water (which apparently is in shortage). It seems to me that, as usual, a minority has ruined it for the majority. A few very bad dog owners give us all a bad name and everyone pays the price. Ditto the water shortage; you can water golf courses - no questions asked - but if you're thinking of giving your own patch of GB a watering, forget it, particularly in the South East. Your neighbours will probably shop you! Happily, these crazy arbitrary water shortage rules still mean that, should the Mistress still feel so inclined, she could hose me down. That would not be breaking any bans...but somehow I don’t think she has the nerve.

What's the answer? I guess a rain dance all round...

Woof Woof