Woof Woofington

"I wonder where it all went wrong..." Steve McClaren or Gordon Brown?

Well, in case you were in any doubt, those were the words of Steve McClaren - England's Manager, just after Croatia sent us OUT, yes, OUT of Euro 2008. We have not qualified.

Apparently, according to the Mistress's other half, failure to get through will have cost the British economy a cool billion pounds in lost revenue.

And the other top news is millions of Britons' personal details have been pinched in the mother of all data security breaches. Who is to blame? The junior clerk who will be the fall guy? The Head of HM Revenue and Customs, who has resigned? The civil servants concerned? The Chancellor? The Prime Minister?

People are calling for resignations but so far, no Minister has put up their hand.

Tonight, after the shockingly poor performance by England, there are calls for McClaren to resign but Steve has made it clear that his position is not for discussion. On the BBC, they speculated that he will be pushed rather than jump. Well, what about the Head of the FA (Football Association)? Surely they have some culpability too?

Tomorrow, could be Resignation Thursday.

In the meantime, I can answer Steve McClaren's question. By failing to choose Paul Robinson, a dog owner, after all, he put too much pressure on Scott Carson's shoulders.

Tony Blair used to be called Teflon Tony but I reckon the new Prime Minister, Chancellor and England Manager are all pretty resilent and like the proverbial rubber ball, they keep bouncing back. But maybe today was a test too far. For all of them. Next?!

Woof Woof

Becks Goes Galactic - David Beckham To Join Los Angeles Galaxy from Real Madrid

So, the best kept footballing secret of the year is finally out. It is adios las chicas of Madrid and hola! hola! to the hot babes of California. David Beckham is coming to town. Yay!

But not old London town - place of his birth. No, no, no, no, no!

The former Manchester United player and England captain will be shipping his family to their natural home - Hollywood! Posh Spice may now achieve her dream of being a movie star - she's getting the body ready with all that enhancement and supershrinking - and I reckon their new best friends, TomKat (Tom and Katie Cruise, doh!) may even find a cameo role for Mr B in their next movie.

Much talk has been made of Tom Cruise luring the Beckhams into his funny old world of Scientology. I'm not sure. Let's face it, Mr Cruise's career is no longer in the ascendancy and Mr and Mrs Beckham are only interested in global domination. To the max!

I wish the Beckhams well. I feel sad that we will no longer see David Beckham shoot a free corner kick on English soil. He was, after all, a great player. No doubt Victoria has even greater things planned - 'cos let's face it, he's no longer calling the shots.

My only question is this - are they taking their dogs stateside? Yes, their dogs. Dave and Vicky once owned a pair of Rottweilers but I have not seen them for some time....maybe when the couple make their first rap video, we shall see the whole family reunited.

Woof Woof

Come Back Beckham, All Is Forgiven?

This is what the football pundits are discussing; could this be the chance for England's former captain to return to the fold?

The thing is, while everyone agreed that England's performance in the World Cup was pretty woeful, the subsequent treatment of David Beckham seemed pretty harsh. I mean, to not even have him listed in the squad was a bit OTT.

In with the new, out with the old (Eriksson regime) was the point being made but since Steve McLaren has taken over, we haven't exactly seen a completely different performance, have we?

Personally, I blame Victoria Beckham; NOT for her anorexic lifestyle or love of all things plastic. Pas de tout! No, it was the haircut; I reckon it was a modern take on Samson and Delilah. So when Victoria trimmed her fake hair (those extensions), David lost all his power.

Yes, Victoria should do a Sienna Miller (no, not alienate Pittsburgh!) but having cut off her hair in a fit of peak , she needs to put back those extensions. And fast.

Mark my words; as Victoria's hair gets longer, so will Beckham's chances of achieving those elusive 100 caps increase.

Woof Woof

Barking Boy is England's new Captain - John Terry of Chelsea

Yes, the boy from Barking has done well; John Terry is the new captain for England. It's official.

But what do we know of this so-called former bad boy? Well, he was born on 7 December 1980 and is 6ft1 tall. But other than that, there's not much personal stuff available right now.

According to the new Coach, Steve McClaren, JT is the man:

"I'm certain I've got the right man in John Terry. I'm convinced he will prove to be one of the best captains England has ever had.

"John has all the attributes an international captain needs: leadership, authority, courage, ability, tactical awareness and a total refusal to accept second-best.

"He has been an inspiration for Chelsea and is at his best in adversity.

"Over the five years I've been involved with the England coaching set-up I've seen first hand the respect that John has among his fellow players."

But my question is this, does he have a dog? You may think that a trivial question but this is Eng-er-land we're talking about here!

Anyway, here's wishing the Barking Boy the best of luck and let's hope he manages to secure an International title. At least he won't be distracted by his hairstyle or his brand values!

Woof Woof

So...ENG-GER-LAND won't be playing at WEM-BER-LEY for some time...

Today marks the first day in the new era of football; well, that's what Brian Barwick (Chief Executive of the FA (Football Association)) said this morning as he awaits the arrival of the new England coach, Steve McLaren.

Max Clifford is also getting lots of airtime because he will be responsible for helping Steve McLaren focus on the game; after all, with England's disappointing performance at the World Cup, we all think it's because Sven was NOT focusing on the job in hand... As far as I can see, if it means that everyone concentrates on football rather than playing footsie (think Ulrika, Faria...you know what I'm saying) then it has to be a good thing!

But that’s assuming the England lads have somewhere to play because the fact that Wembley stadium won't be ready for at least another year is also hitting the headlines. Yes, England fans will have to wait another 12 months before they have any chance of seeing their team play on the famous turf...

The Mistress's other half had plenty to say on the matter and, though it pained him to say it, he argued that if Arsenal's management can get a stadium built in time for the new season.... well, you can imagine the rest!

Of course, I am not surprised. Last week the Mistress took me to Stratford-upon-Avon; well, she was going and I went too. As everyone knows, Stratford-upon-Avon is the birthplace of the bard, surely our greatest literary asset, William Shakespeare. And Stratford, according to one local cabbie, is the UK's fifth most popular tourist attraction. Everyone wants to see where he penned classics like...Hamlet, A Midsummer Night's Dream (not Midsummer Murders!) and, well, you get the drift. The tourists also like to pass by Anne Hathaway's cottage (wife of the bard) and sit down for a tasty snack in ye olde tea shoppe.

But guess what? If you want to go to Stratford-upon-Avon by train, you are limited to one every two hours. I think I mentioned that the Mistress is carbon neutral and continues to travel everywhere by public transport. Coaches are a no-go if she has to take me but the train is fine. So, we managed to get our train there - delayed only by 30 mins or so on the outward journey but, coming back, we got held up so many times that we were nearly an hour late. Apart from points failure and a driver who had gone AWOL, we also stopped at.... Wembley Stadium. Yes, we did; it's on the same route. And we stopped at Wembley for a long long time.

How ironic, it struck me, that if the people responsible had managed to get Wembley finished in time, the train would have been packed. There would have been a sporting event on or maybe a gig (there are loads of disgruntled artists who are waiting to play at the new stadium) but no. Instead, we were all just stuck on a train, not getting back from Stratford and not getting off at Wembley.

In management speak (aka more jargon and nonsense), it's called joined-up thinking. Well how about some joined-up thinking here - put trains on so tourists and theatre lovers can get to sunny Stratford, get buildings finished on time so fans can pay good money and get the whole micro-economy going (don't mention the Dome!).

Of course, if I were in charge, it would be door-to-door luxury with snacks on tap. We dogs know a thing or two...

So, people in charge, whoever you are... THINK of the tourist pound, as the Mistress's other half likes to say!

Woof Woof

Wayne's World (Cup)

Name any TV news programme, radio news bulletin or national newspaper and I can guarantee one thing. There will be talk of the boy wonder - Wayne Rooney - or England's Talisman as he surely is now?

And we (as in England) haven't even played the last match in our group...yet. Tonight sees England v Sweden and although the boys only need to draw for us to come top of our group, I think the lads will be up for scoring. Psychologically Owen (as in Michael) needs to score his first goal - just to get it over with!

The Mistress and her other half love football but for different reasons. She came to it late - yes, one of those Euro '96 converts - while he has been a lifelong fanatic. Sadly, his team got relegated this season so he can't even enjoy Premiership games anymore.

But I digress; what's football got to do with dogs? Well, quite a lot actually because I predict that animal rescue centres will start naming their inmates after footballers. And I predict a lot of Waynes being put up for adoption in the coming weeks. Particularly as England gets further into the tournament. Hooray for that, I say. Anything that highlights the plight of abandoned woofers is ok by me.

And it will be the same for babies; a lot of them are going to be called Wayne (despite the name’s chav associations) if Rooney can weave his magic on the pitch. And what about the girls? Well, Waynetta doesn't really do it, does it?

Woof Woof

Phew! England wins three points - all thanks to a dog!

With a statement like that, you’re bound to think I’m barking mad. Au contraire! Let me explain...

Cast your mind back to Saturday’s match – England versus Paraguay – and remember, the result was not a foregone conclusion. Paraguay was an unknown quantity. But, come to think about it, so was England. Could you have predicted how the team was going to perform?

The final score was 1-0 to England but it was an opposition own goal that gave our boys the advantage. Thanks to England’s defence or, more specifically, to our goalkeeper Paul Robinson, Paraguay didn’t score. But Robinson’s performance could have been a whole different ball game had it not been for good news about...his Boxer dog, Tyson.

Yes, Mr Robinson’s pet pooch had been staying with a VIP dog sitter, for the duration of the World Cup, and had managed to escape OR was dognapped – draw your own conclusions. The alarm was raised and Mrs Robinson had to break the news to her husband....can you imagine that? Losing your dog before an International game?

Fortunately for England supporters, smart thinking by Battersea Dogs and Cats Home, which took Tyson in after dog wardens had found him wandering the streets of north London, meant that the much-loved pet was returned home, to the relief of the Robinson family.

Well, thank goodness for that!

So here’s my plea to all the England team’s back-up (you know, family, friends, staff – whatever), if you are looking after the footballers’ woofers, please, please, please keep an eye on them at all times and let’s have no more scares. Robinson could be “totally focused” after Tyson was found but we can’t afford any more shocks like that for England’s finest! Definitely not!

And who knows? Maybe England really can go all the way!

Woof Woof

Ronaldinho – I owe it all to my dog, Bombom

Now if you like and follow football, you’ll know all about Ronaldinho.

For those of you who don’t, he is currently – according to some, like Pele and Maradonna – the world’s best player. He is part of the Brazilian national team (world cup winners several times over) and he plays for Barcelona (sold to them in 2003 for a whopping $37 million), the team that recently beat Arsenal in the Champions League.

He’s a big player on the world stage. So, given all this information, you would expect this footballing genius to attribute his skill and expertise to any of the following:

amazing mentor who discovered him when young (think Theo Walcott), hours and hours of training, concentrating on the same moves (like David Beckham) and lucky break – being in the right place at the right time and having his talents nurtured (like Geoff Hurst replacing Jimmy Greaves in ‘66).

Mais non! Ronaldinho puts it all down to...his dog. Yes, his pet Bombom (chocolate candy), is the key to it all. Describing his childhood in Porto Alegre, Ronaldinho reveals:

''Bombom loved to play with me. When all my friends got bored, I would go play with him. We would stay battling for the ball all day. I had to work hard on my moves to keep him from getting the ball. We were inseparable, he was my great companion.''

Talking to the Brazilian newspaper, Zero Hora, Ronaldinho says that although he no longer has Bombom he still plays with his pet pooches. ''My dogs in Spain also love to play ball,'' he says. ''I dribble with them all the time, too.''

So, if Brazil manage to secure the World Cup again this summer, it will all be down to a dog!

Woof Woof

Risk Assessed my A**e! Donny Goes to the Doghouse

As far as the Mistress's other half is concerned, football is THE beautiful game. The one and only.

He watches it on TV but is no longer a season ticket holder. I think it's because his team are about to relegated - AGAIN - and he just can't face the humilation!

Anyway, football clubs like to have their mascots and Doncaster Rovers are no exception. Donny the Dog is their animal of choice and with mascots, it's very simple. A person - usually a bloke - dresses up in a lifesize costume and is highly visible from the stands and the pitch.

When Doncaster Rovers played Huddersfield Town (away match), Donny the Dog (aka grandfather, Andy Liney) was all ready to get into the grounds when he was stopped by police. In spite of having permission to appear at the Glapharm Stadium, Andy (aka Donny) was told it was no go.

West Yorkshire Police said: "The situation was risk-assessed, and based on the intelligence available a decision was taken not to allow the mascot on to the pitch before the match."

Mr Liney told the Yorkshire Post: "I got within 50 yards of the stadium when I was stopped by a Huddersfield official and told I was not going to be allowed in because of police intelligence. Then I said I would take my Donny Dog head off and sit in the stands with the rest of our fans, but they said I could only do that if I got changed.

"The costume is an all-in-one double-lined fur suit so I don't wear anything underneath it, and I hadn't brought a change of clothes. The club offered to find me some but I didn't much want to wear someone else's clothes so I spent the game on the supporters' coach."

Rovers' chairman John Ryan said: "I think it is an absolute scandal. I feel like reporting West Yorkshire police to the RSPCA."

Yes, folks, Donny is in the Doghouse and the world has gone mad. It's official.

Woof Woof

The Curse of the Metatarsal

Well, who would have thought it? The curse of the metatarsal strikes again
and it has had a big impact in our house let me tell you! And probably not
for the reasons you may think!

First, the Mistress's friend and team-mate on the Playtex Moonwalk (three
weeks to go) has had a very nasty accident and fears the curse of the
metatarsal has struck. She has a swollen foot with such bad bruising
that the doctors can't x-ray. What's more, of course, she does not have
access to Harley Street's best so it's going to be touch and go whether she
will be completing the full 26.2 miles.

As Uri Geller suggested for David Beckham, we are all focusing on the foot
and she has handily sent us a photo so the Mistress can really visualise it
getting better!

And then there is Wayne Rooney. Poor Wayne. Were his boots to blame? Was
it an old injury? Was it bad luck? Was it fate? We have had Radio Five
Live on at our home - constantly - since the news broke. Why? Because it's
wall-to-wall sports coverage and you get everyone's viewpoint - and more.
Sven says he will take Rooney, Alex Ferguson says it is unlikely that Wayne
will play.

But what has that got to do with me? The Mistress's other half has made his
feelings quite clear; if Wayne is out, England is doomed. It's game over
before it's even begun. "Our summer will be ruined," he said.

The Mistress believes it will take a lot more than Mr Rooney's metatarsal to
make or break our summer but we have been warned.

Anyway, the Mistress has the marathon to get through first and then she will
review whether she decamps to her mother's for the summer. If her other
half says it's game over, it won't be worth hanging around to find out.

Woof Woof